Awkward Isn’t a Flaw: Navigating Conversation as a Neurodivergent Person

Those of us who are neurodivergent know what it’s like to want to have a conversation AND want to be a ‘turtle who climbs into their shell’. It can feel awkward, as if we don’t belong, or we may experience negative thoughts about ourselves. Our thoughts might be, “Ugh, I sounded so stupid”, “They hate me now”, or “I just ruined another relationship.” Logically, we know they can’t read thoughts, and they are probably not thinking that way, but that doesn’t stop our brains from screaming at us.

If we are trying to have a conversation after masking all day, we will be exhausted. This exhaustion will make conversations harder, which can feel overwhelming or forced. Not to mention, we may feel the need to keep masking because, “Who wants to talk to the real me?!” When we’re worried about our facial expressions, tone, gestures, and reactions, we don’t have any battery left to engage in a reciprocal conversation. That constant self-monitoring quietly drains our mental energy and makes natural connections much harder. So, we can see from this that you aren’t awkward but exhausted from constantly performing.

Did you know there are multiple forms of overstimulation? For example, sensory overstimulation, emotional overstimulation, intellectual overstimulation, and social overstimulation. All of these play a role in conversations.

Imagine this: you are sitting in a conference room talking to a colleague. That’s simple, right? Absolutely not! You can hear the AC, chairs scraping the floor, it’s too cold, people are bumping into you, the lights are too bright, you can hear multiple types of voices, it’s hard to sit still, your clothes are too itchy, and a person is talking to you. Moreover, you’re thinking about the person’s body language, tone of voice, interpretation of both, how you’re going to respond, forming words, your body language, and your tone of voice. This is overstimulation presenting itself as awkwardness. The social norms say we must talk or act a certain way, but that’s not how our brains work.

We can totally miss social cues and concepts for several reasons:

1.     Our brains are going too fast

2.     We don’t understand

3.     Actions and behaviors don’t align

4.     Too many abstract comments

5.     Our brains decided to freeze

6.     We’re only focused on special interests

7.     And more

When we miss these social cues, it can feel awkward; however, we can ask clarifying questions, shift the topic, or just smile and let the conversation proceed. We don’t always need to mask; others can stop, slow down, and meet us where we are, as well.

Maybe this helps you see that there are underlying reasons for this “awkwardness.” We feel like we need to mask, and sometimes, the situation may call for it. However, masking all the time is draining and hinders your mental and physical health. Try asking the person to slow down, to repeat themselves, or if they can explain it another way. Or meet with people who you are comfortable unmasking around, so you are not feeling awkward, beating yourself up, and feeling defeated. You matter, your words matter, and you deserve to be heard. You also deserve to relax and have a conversation that isn’t (too) draining; it is possible!

Refuge Springs Counseling

Phone: 850-530-6662

Email: refugespringscounseling25@gmail.com

Pensacola, Florida