Why Won’t People Stop Crossing My Boundaries?

Boundaries protect us and help us determine what is acceptable in relationships. For the past couple of weeks, I have heard many clients say that others are violating their boundaries, not respecting them, or pretending the boundaries don’t exist. It is hard to cope with a violation of boundaries by coworkers or friends, but it is especially hard to understand why partners or family members won’t respect your boundaries. This blog seeks to understand why others struggle to respect your boundaries and how you can communicate your needs with confidence!

What Are Boundaries?

According to Cloud & Townsend 1992, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership” (pg. 29). Boundaries show what we are willing to accept in interactions with others. They make us feel safe, appreciated, and independent.

There are several types of boundaries:

1.     Emotional (how open you are with someone)

2.     Physical (personal space & touch)

3.     Time (how much time you give people)

4.     Digital (time spent on calls, social media, texts, etc.)

5.     Intellectual (ideas and thoughts shared)

6.     Sexual (Expressing sexuality and being intimate)

7.     Material (Who and what you spend money on, as well as other materialistic things)

We can also identify where we stand on boundaries:

1.     Porous (People walk all over us, hard time saying “no”, avoid conflict, etc.)

2.     Rigid (Says “no” too much, ignores others, inflexible, etc.)

3.     Healthy (Can say “no”, assertiveness, builds trust, stands by values, accepts conflict)

Boundaries are important, and knowing the types of boundaries, as well as our style, can help us gain the respect we are looking for.

Why Some People Disrespect Boundaries

One of the most annoying things is for others to violate our boundaries. We have worked so hard to get to the point where we can set a boundary, just for others to laugh at our hard work. This seems like the most unfair thing because boundaries shouldn’t be hard to keep, and we will return the favor! We understand boundaries, set them, and will accept others’ boundaries, because we know how important this is for our and others ' mental well-being. So why won’t some people be respectful?

Possible causes:

1.     Lack of understanding

2.     Entitlement

3.     Cultural norms

4.     Poor communication skills

5.     History of codependency

6.     Manipulation

7.     Fear of rejection

8.     Testing your limits

This can help us understand why they won’t respect our boundaries. When we understand others’ behaviors, we can begin to formulate a plan on how to enforce our boundaries. For example, if someone is not respecting your boundaries because they are testing your limits, it would be best for you not to back down, so they will see that you are serious. If you back down, it shows them that your boundaries do not need to be respected, and they will not honor any limits you set.

How to Reinforce Your Boundaries

1.     Clarify Your Needs

Journal or talk to a therapist about how your boundaries are being violated. This allows you to reflect on what you need to feel safe, independent, and honored.

2.     Communicate Directly and Assertively

Use direct and clear language. Sometimes we are ambiguous about our boundaries when they need to be stated clearly. We can be direct without being rude. Instead of saying, “I don’t really like it when people call after 9:00 PM”, state, “Please don’t call me after 9:00 PM. I need that time to rest.”

3.     Immediately Address When a Boundary is Crossed

When a boundary is crossed, immediately restate your boundary. When we let it slide, we are jeopardizing our mental health and showing others that the boundary is not important.

4.     There Will be Pushback

Often, expect pushback. This is especially true for those who are setting boundaries for the first time in a relationship. Remember: stay consistent!

5.     Set Consequences

If someone is not honoring your boundaries, especially given multiple warnings, it might be necessary to have a consequence in place. This could look like limiting contact, redefining the relationship, and seeking outside guidance.

6.     Seek Help

Working with a therapist can help you see where the boundaries are not clearly stated and how to reinforce boundaries. Also, therapy can help give you the confidence to stay consistent when you’re already setting boundaries.

It is hard when others are not accepting or honoring our boundaries. We can get easily frustrated when the line is crossed, and it makes us want to lash out. However, staying consistent and setting consequences can help us feel more confident and help us feel safe. If you are looking for a therapist to guide you or just help build confidence that you are doing the right thing, reach out to us, and we will be happy to come alongside you. We provide services throughout the state of Florida, and we look forward to seeing you succeed in staying firm with your boundaries!

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